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 by: Paula McCoach

School bullies are manipulators.

They are masters at confusing students as well as adults.

But with these masters of manipulation, we must always look at the big picture!

Hardcore bullies will often try to confuse the issue when being confronted with their bullying behavior. They will blame their victim for the incident that happened between them. They will bring up small transgressions that the victim may have made and try to make them seem huge.

For example, maybe the victim told them to “Shut Up” and the hardcore bully will make this seem like a huge insult the him or her when in reality the hardcore bully has threatened or cursed at the victim, and the victim was just trying to defend himself or herself.

This Smoke Screen technique is one of the hardcore bullies most successful deflecting attempts because it is easy for school staff to get caught up in the details of the incident at hand. And, the hardcore bullies are experts at throwing up the smoke screen.

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But through much success and failure at working to resolve the bullying situation, I force myself to look at the big picture with the hardcore bully and not be deflected by the smoke screen.

In other words, I look at the overall pattern and large number incidents the hardcore bully has participated in vs. the small number of incidents the victim has been involved in – if any. I don’t give the bully a clean slate in every incident – I believe the best way to stop bullying is to deal with it on a cumulative level – not each incident individually.

Hardcore bullies are experts at throwing up a smoke screen and making a “mountain out of a molehill” when they have been wronged but minimizing any wrong that they may have done to another student. But, now you will be able to see through the “haze.”

Paula McCoach invites you to subscribe to the Bully Zapper Newsletter published weekly with tons of tips on how to effectively deal with bullies in elementary and middle school. You will receive a free special report for your subscription. To subscribe, go to http://www.bullyzapper.com

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Purchase the latest Bully Zapper publication, 11 SIMPLE STEPS TO ZAPPING BULLIES! Discover tips on working with the bully as well as the victim, talking to parents effectively, using behavior checklists with success, enabling teachers to deal with bullies in their classrooms, and much more practical and useful information you can use immediately to Zap the Bullies in your school! To order, go to http://www.bullyzapper.com

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©2005 Permission granted to reprint this article in print or on your web site so long as the paragraph above is included and contact information is provided to the email coach@bullyzapper.com and http://www.bullyzapper.com

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 by: Clive Taylor

This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist, and father.

The following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver who wants to improve their relationships with their children.

In more extreme situations, many of the approaches will still be directly useful, and the overall approach is a guide for what the extreme situation needs to come back to.

It would also be very useful to attend relationship and/or family counselling to uncover the deeper sources of any family conflict.

Main points:

• Often, it is the unresolved trauma or early needs in the parents or caregivers that set up the behaviour and feelings of the child, so an absolutely necessary first step is for the caregiver to acknowledge and begin to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.

• The main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in. They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to feel and express delight in their children.

  Children have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual connection, imagination to imagination - eg, on the floor, both delighting in the building and toppling of the blocks!

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  The imagination connection has to be real - kids know! It s as real a need as food.

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• The second most important thing is that the parent s relationship is the priority not the children. The children need the parents to be the priority as well, as this gives them stability, security and example.

• There is no such thing as “naughty” - there is always a reason for crying and “misbehaving”.

• How you want your child to be, you need to be yourself there is no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and “natural” justice. Be honest about yourself with them you don t have to be perfect , just honest.

• If children are considered as an inhibition on your “lifestyle”, there will be problems - they love to be included in what you do (exclusion is very damaging).

  It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.

• Be consistent and sparing with commands and discipline a continual barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced “don ts” just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very dangerous, when an especially important “don’t” comes along).

  It is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences to any inappropriate behaviour.

  It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by the parents as well.

• Fairness is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably the main trigger of conflict (even with adults).

• Give children definite, fair, and un-hypocritical limits that are socially acceptable, and as free as possible.

  Your children want your respect and approval, so “discipline” them by withdrawing yourself from them - only for as long as the socially unacceptable behaviour continues. The only “reward” for “good” behaviour is social acceptance - “good” behaviour should be considered as “normal”, nothing special.

• Children are naturally fully intelligent - they are only lacking experience and information.

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• Encourage physical and emotional robustness” so that they can take, and enjoy, whatever textures life has for them. Don t over-protect or smother a child when hurt. Encourage self-reliance by supporting them to help themselves. But beware, this is not an excuse for abuse or neglect, it s a call for diligent, parentally-nurtured self-reliance.

  Encourage self-confidence and self-responsibility. (If a child is obsessively over-protected, with the “message” that they are not capable, then they will be incapable).

• Uninhibited physical contact is very important avoid imparting your own phobias and obsessions to them. Again, this is not an excuse for abuse as parents and caregivers we must do the work on ourselves, to become free of our own dysfunction.

• Bring about an awareness and appreciation of beauty.

  (A person, who is happy, and aware of beauty, cannot deliberately destroy that beauty, or harm others or the planet).

• Action and behaviour need to come out of willingness never fear. (Discipline coming out of fear and hate can never allow a person to be “whole” and creative).

• Uninterrupted “daydreaming” has been found to be a crucial element in well-being and growth, because lateral thinking, creativity, and internal connections happen in this mind state. Allow children this space if they over-daydream, it s possible that there is some unresolved issue in the child s life that needs attending to.

• Avoid trying to “convince” a younger child with “reason”, just state your position and hold to it firmly and lovingly.

• Allow children to develop at their own rate, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), while continuing to provide an environment that draws them on.

• Try not to limit a child’s exploring - exploring is absolutely natural and necessary.

• Avoid creating conflict with a child by denying them doing what you are doing, or having, yourself - if you can’t change your own ways, (to lead by example), then allow them a minimum of what you are doing or having, (while seeming to allow a lot). Conflict born of (perceived) unfairness is a big problem.

Summary

• The child needs to be genuinely delighted in.
• No parent is “perfect” intention, awareness and self-honesty are what are important.
• Parents need to be firm, consistent, non-violent (physically or emotionally), non-materialistic, un-hypocritical and loving.
• No put-downs, no guilt, no devaluing.

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 by: Steve Bishop

Physical activity offers a broad range of benefits, including the prevention of obesity, improved self confidence, and an overall sense of well-being. Physical education programs within the school setting can set the stage for how children view physical fitness, activity levels, and future health. Physical education programs also include general health and safety information in addition to providing opportunities for students to learn how to cooperate with one another in a team setting.

A Lifetime of Health

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The school setting provides a structured atmosphere in which to incorporate physical health activities and ideally develop healthy habits for life. Studies indicate that promotion of a healthy lifestyle taught in physical education classes can influence long-term health benefits such as reduced rates of obesity, heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, and high blood pressure.

Perhaps just as importantly, physical education programs can teach students that physical activity can be fun. With a broad range of games and activities, children are exposed to forms of exercise that don’t simply involve running around a track. Games and other activities incorporate teamwork, strategy, skill-building exercises, and fun.

Nutritional Information

Physical education classes are ideal for introducing basic nutritional concepts to children. Poor eating habits are common among many children and adolescents; however, a solid foundation in healthy eating choices can help lay the groundwork for improved food choices. Children who eat regular, healthy meals consisting of a wide range of food choices concentrate better in school and are less disruptive. Healthy eating also decreases the chances of children developing serious health problems early in life and reduces obesity rates among youth and into adulthood.

Life Skills

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Physical education also provides an opportunity for children to develop critical life skills, such as problem solving, strategy, and working together. Many team sports require participants to work together to achieve a goal. Children also learn the basics of good sportsmanship and that there is much more to sports and physical activities than simply winning or losing. Sports require training, mental and physical preparation, and help build self-confidence.

Mental Health

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Regular physical activity has shown to have many psychological and mental benefits in addition to the physical ones. For example, regular exercise can reduce feelings of depression and anxiety and promote an overall sense of well-being. The increased blood flow during exercise transports oxygen to all parts of the body, including the brain, which can help improve memory and reasoning skills. Conversely, a lack of oxygen, which can result from not enough deep breathing, can lead to disorientation, confusion, fatigue, and memory and concentration difficulties.

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